Motherhood – DEEP ROOTS

Portrait in Progress

I have known I’ve wanted children from the time I was a child myself. I remember coming up with potential names for my two hypothetical girls and discussing them with my cousins and my sister. As I kept growing up and having a stronger picture of what I wanted my life to look like, kids were always in the picture. People laugh when I tell them this, but a couple of weeks into dating my husband, we were sitting at the bar at Brew Detroit, and I told him that marriage and children were important to me.

“I am having a lot of fun with you and I really like spending time with you, but these things are non-negotiables for me. I don’t need them right now, but if you don’t also want that in your future, it might be best for us to cool it.”

Is that a direct quote? Absolutely not. This was several dark beers deep and also nearly 10 years ago, but this was the gist. And well, I already told you he was my husband, so you can see how that ended up.

When I told this to some of my friends, they laughed and told me things like, “Oh my gosh, you are too much!” I’ve heard this kind of expression my entire life. I am too much. Intense. High octane. A lot. Sometimes, people said it with big smiles on their faces. Other times, people said it with judgment and overt irritation. Either way, it’s true. I have a “big personality.”

An important thing to know about me: I am a type-A control queen. I have a vision for my life, and I do everything I can to make that vision a reality, whether that’s in my personal or professional life. When my husband and I decided it was time to start the parenthood journey, I had a whole plan. I made budget spreadsheets to see what was feasible. I took ovulation tests. I had a fancy bracelet that I wore at night that gave me stats on the best time to conceive. I planned it out strategically, but despite that preparation, it took us longer than we had envisioned to get pregnant with our daughter. Whew, this was emotional. Everyone who has been there is nodding along with me on this. It is crushing. Longest story short, we were lucky enough to finally welcome our sweet girl in 2020. We fell in love with her immediately and have marveled at her every single day since.

A few years later, when we felt we had kinda-sorta figured out this whole parenting thing and could maybe handle having another baby, the budget spreadsheets and ovulation tests came back out. The second time around, it definitely didn’t take as long. The speed actually surprised us, but we were thrilled. From the very beginning, my second pregnancy was noticeably different. I was exhausted and nauseous much earlier, and I was showing at like, 8 weeks. I thought this was odd but chalked it up to it being a second pregnancy and no longer being able to rest as much as I could when I wasn’t also taking care of a toddler. It made sense to me that it would be a bit different.

At our first ultrasound, everything suddenly made sense. “So, here’s baby A…”

Baby A?

“And this might be a surprise, but here’s baby B!”

Oh my gosh. Twins. My sister has an older daughter and twin boys. I had seen firsthand the wild ride that is adding twins to a family.

“We need to buy a bigger house,” was the first thing I said. The ultrasound tech laughed and said, “Pretty much everyone says that!” It was my first moment of camaraderie with other twin parents, but I didn’t realize it then. I was too gobsmacked.

We walked out of the doctor’s office and sat in my car to continue digesting this world-rocking news. We were excited but also completely terrified. All of those spreadsheets were basically pointless at this point, and we had a mountain of things to figure out. We hadn’t taken the day off because we weren’t expecting to have this sort of intense news at 8:30 AM. As I drove into work, I called my mom to tell her the news. She thought I was playing a joke on her, but I promised her I wasn’t. It was just truly so unbelievable. We brought my sister into the call and I spent the entire commute talking to them, laughing about the insanity of the situation, and staving off a panic attack. After I made it through the big, important meeting I was running, I booked a conference room on a different floor of my building and basically hyperventilated. I called a few of my closest friends and shared the news. I was admittedly not the most productive this day. I was rethinking everything about my home and the way my life would look moving forward. I thought of the upcoming Christmas. I thought of Christmas 30 years from now. I thought about money, our 3-bedroom house, our vehicles. My mind was absolutely reeling.

Fast forward to today. My twins will be one year old next month. It’s been so magical and these kids are all-caps CUTE. It’s absolutely fascinating to see them developing in different ways and at different paces. They make me laugh and smile and become overwhelmed with love every single day.

They have also been chronically sick after contracting RSV when they were three months old. They were born with premature lungs and required a stay in the NICU when they were first born. To see them all covered in tubes and wires and sensors again just a few months later was traumatic. My baby boy had to be intubated and sedated. My baby girl didn’t require intubation, but her condition was also dire enough to land both of them in the PICU at Children’s Hospital. We barely made it home in time for Christmas. What I had envisioned as our first Christmas didn’t quite play out, but it was still an absolutely perfect day. I’ve never been so happy to be comfy at home with my family.

Since I returned to work in January, these sweet little babies have been sick enough to have to stay home from daycare approximately 3-4 times per month. When the routine gets interrupted, we have to shift everything around. And then it happens again, and we have to shift again. And again. And again. We are so stressed. We are exhausted. There are so many childcare-related tasks that the home-maintenance tasks and self-care tasks fall to the wayside with great regularity. Despite the stress, I find so much comfort in holding them in my arms or watching them play together. I give these kids of mine about 1,000 kisses each per day and I’m so happy to have them.

Even so, this past year or so has been the hardest, most trying of my life. I wouldn’t give any of it up because it gave me my beautiful babies and created the sweetest big sister in our daughter. It strengthened my connection with my husband. Despite the great things it has brought my way, it has also been incredibly difficult. I am sure that there isn’t a single human being who looks at my family right now and says, “Wow, they make it look easy!” I actually joke that we’ve become a cautionary tale for our friends because everyone can identify that we’re living inside a bit of a perpetual tornado. I am struggling to find my footing. I never envisioned having three kids, let alone chronically sick kids. My brain and my heart go in a trillion directions every day. That picture I was painting of my life is now a bit unrecognizable to me. I can get through it, I am getting through it, and I will get through it, but this has been an enormous transformation in our lives.

Another important thing about me: I’m optimistic by nature and tend to skew positive. It’s why I know I’ll get through this phase and my husband and I will look back and congratulate each other on enduring and prevailing. But you know how people used to call me too much? Intense? A lot?

Right now, I feel very small. Not enough. Coming up short. Empty because I’m pouring every last drop into keeping these kids healthy, safe, and happy. I am wrung out, y’all.

I’ve always felt called to help others—to be a source of support and strength for those around me. Going through this whirlwind of working motherhood, with all its challenges and surprises, has been tough, but I know it’s also shaping me into someone who can offer even deeper empathy and insight. Experiencing this myself is going to make me a stronger asset for others in the future. I’ll be able to say, “I’ve been there. I get it.” That connection is priceless.

I’m learning (over and over again) that life doesn’t always adhere to our carefully crafted plans, and that’s okay. As much as it feels like I’m juggling on a unicycle, I’m beginning to understand that it’s less about perfect balance and more about resilience. I’m still that type-A, big personality woman with dreams and goals, but I’m also someone who’s slowly coming to grips with the fact that I’m not actually in control. Shocking, I know. Instead, I’m trying to remind myself to embrace the mess, roll with the punches, and find grace in the unexpected, even if it means occasionally falling flat on my face or crying so much in one day that I give myself a three-day migraine. (True story.)

This season of my life is teaching me that even when the picture you were painting takes on new colors, shapes, or textures you never imagined, it can still be beautiful—or at the very least, interesting. The love, the joy, and yes, even the chaos, are all part of my life that is rich, real, and deeply meaningful. Each time I get to watch my kids playing together or my husband and I lock eyes after our toddler says something hilarious, I realize that this uncharted path we’re on is the greatest adventure of all.

While I may not always know what’s coming next, I do know this: I’m surrounded by love, I’m stronger than I think, and even in the midst of this whirlwind, I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.

Plus, if nothing else, hey – it gives me plenty of material for therapy.

Functioning Through the Fog

My mind is a whirlwind these days. Even “scatterbrained” feels too polite for the chaos in my head, much like calling my house “a bit cluttered” when it looks more like the aftermath of a tornado. I can’t pinpoint when it started, but I do know that it amplified when my twins were hospitalized with RSV back in December, and it amplified again when I returned to work after maternity leave at the end of January. (One of these days, I will write about my birth experience with the twins and their scary hospitalization, but today is not that day.) The sheer amount of STUFF in my head and on my mind has brought my decision fatigue to an all-time high. When you add a detail-oriented career to the standard postpartum brain fog, sheesh. I feel like I’ve been slowly losing my mind.

I learned recently that pregnancy causes a loss of gray matter in the brain, with the most loss happening in the frontal and temporal lobes. These changes are believed to prepare the birthing parent to be more responsive to their babies. My readings assured me that this loss isn’t anything to worry about, even though the effects can last a few years after delivery. It’s like finding a missing piece to the puzzle of why my brain feels like it’s running on low battery. It’s fascinating and just adds to my belief that having kids is the most immersive science project one can perform.

Learning this has been validating. I have laughed about “mom brain” with my friends, family, and colleagues, and even though it can bring silly moments, it’s genuinely frustrating. I notice it happening at home, but it’s louder and more embarrassing for me at work.

I’ve been at my company for nearly 10 years and have spent that time learning as much as I can about my field, dedicating myself to consistent growth, and making a commitment to developing others. Regardless of the role I’ve held, those three remain the same. Learn. Grow. Develop. It’s no surprise to me that I’ve found my home in Learning and Development, nor that I was so excited to go back to work after having I and O. I’ve been back to work for six months now, and to put it in the simplest of terms: I just feel different.

My passions are still prevalent. I am still ambitious, and my love for developing others keeps me stretching toward formal leadership. I still want to learn, grow, and develop. I just…also added two people to my household and keep unlocking new parenting levels with all three of my children. My identity at work, once steady and sure, is now evolving to accommodate the ever-growing demands of motherhood. I’m still trying to juggle everything I did before, but now I’m doing it with a baby in each arm. (And I’m finding that juggling is pretty hard with no available arms, you know what I mean?) Uncharted territory is fun, sure, but it’s also a bit unsettling.

Mom brain. Brain fog. Scatterbrained. Losing my mind. Uncharted. Unsettled. But also:

We’ll be out of formula in about 4 days, so I need to get that order in. Or wait, maybe it’s finally back in stock. Nope, still sold out, we’ll have to buy online. We really need to get R in to see a dentist soon. I should make an appointment to get that bloodwork done. We have about half a box of diapers left, but the babies have a box at daycare, and they’ll be there the next three days, so I don’t need to make a special order. I can just add a box to our upcoming grocery cart. R is loving soup right now, maybe I’ll make two different soups this week. The babies could eat some of the softer veggies in that, too, and they have been loving carrots. I wonder if they will like celery. Ooh, we need some more purees. Not the mango, though, that didn’t agree with them. Baby boy likes the chicken ones, baby girl likes the fruit oatmeal ones. Do you think we should increase the amount we’re giving them in their bottles? They always seem to want a bit more these days. Do we have swimsuits in the kids’ bags for daycare? Water day is coming up. Be sure to sign the bug spray and sunblock form so their teachers can apply it during the day. Do they get shots at this pediatrician appointment? I wonder when we will be able to afford sending the babies in for one more day during the week, that will make such a big difference. R will be in kindergarten next year, maybe then…where are we sending her to kindergarten? I should start looking into that…

I could go on and on and on.

So yeah, maybe my “peak performance” looks a bit different these days than it has in the past. If I’m only judging myself on my past markers of success, it is really easy to feel like I’ve lost more than just a little bit of gray matter. What I’ve gained, however, is the ability to keep track of the wants and needs of my family, and that, I realize, is its own form of mastery.

My brain, foggy it may be, has adapted to juggle the myriad of tasks and decisions that come with being a mom of three and a dedicated professional. It’s a different kind of expertise, one that blends empathy, multitasking, and the relentless pursuit of balance. I am not just learning and developing at work; I am also learning and developing at home. The scatterbrained moments, the fog, the exhaustion—these are signs of growth and change. They are reminders that I am doing the hard, beautiful work of raising a family while staying true to my professional passions. Maybe they are also reminders to slow down and focus on one thing at a time so I can be more present in each moment.

Navigating this uncharted territory is difficult for a planner (read: control freak) like me. I am trying my hardest to remind myself to embrace the chaos and trust in my resilience, because damn if this year hasn’t shown me that I can handle some of the hardest things. Amidst the brain fog and the endless to-do lists, I am cultivating something extraordinary—both in my career and in my home. That, I believe, is the true essence of blooming where I am planted.

If you’ve read this far, will you do me one more favor? Every now and then, could you remind me and the other parents you know that they are doing hard, miraculous, worthwhile things? I promise, I’ll do the same for you.

Your Village Needs You

When you have babies and children in your life, a phrase you get to know pretty quickly is, “It takes a village.” The thing that nobody ever really talks about, though, is that everyone seems to have a different definition of what it means to be a part of someone’s village, and trying to find yours can be pretty isolating. This topic has been rattling around in my brain for a few years, but I had an experience lately that showed me my own shortcomings when it comes to this concept.

I pride myself on my connections with other people. One of my largest driving forces is ensuring the people around me know that they are seen, valued, and appreciated. My friends are on my mind with great regularity, and I try my best to maintain my connections with them. In December of 2022, one of these lovely friends asked me to be her maid of honor, and I gladly accepted. (I mean, she technically asked me to be her matron of honor, but the word matron makes me feel like Madame Thénardier from Les Misérables, so I’m sticking with maid, hahaha.) We’re getting closer to the wedding now, and I had the fun task of planning her bachelorette party at the end of June. We had the best time – it was the perfect mix of both getting dolled up and staying cozy. (For a group of women in their 30s, this is the dream!) As is standard for an overnight gathering with friends, we all had an opportunity to catch up with one another and have some rare uninterrupted time together. One of the attendees was a former-coworker-turned-good-friend who became a mom for the first time last June. Her baby recently turned one, and while we don’t work together anymore, we try to get together and catch up. Key word here being “try.”

I realized that weekend that I have not been as capable of being a good friend to her lately, and that realization weighed on me.

Here’s my reality check: I am acclimating to my life as a working mom of three. There is a LOT going on in my life right now. Twin babies, energetic toddler, wonderful husband, rewarding career, home maintenance, family time, networking events, and the never-ending parade of illnesses that come home from daycare…I could go on and on. The calendar fills up quickly and stays filled. Even so, I know I am not being as mindful with my time as I could be.

I realized after spending some time with this mama friend that I was failing her as a member of her village. I hadn’t been there to offer the kind of support I want to provide to my people. It was easy to let it fall off my radar – your girl is OVERWHELMED by this season, y’all. What does that look like for me? After a busy day of fulfilling all my obligations, you can find me scrolling mindlessly on the couch while I ignore a television show. To be clear, I’m not beating myself up for this. I can identify that it’s a problem, but I’ve learned to be a bit kinder to myself, and I know I can fix it with some effort.

Here’s another reality check: because of social media, we maintain a false sense of closeness with the people we follow. We replace picking up the phone or coordinating time to spend together by scrolling, liking, and commenting. Those actions require so little effort, but give the false illusion of “keeping up” with someone. Of course, I’ve checked up on her! Didn’t you see what she posted on Facebook last week? Sounds like things are going well for her!

Am I actually keeping up with you if I don’t get to know about the struggles as WELL as the highlight reel you post online?

No. No, I’m not.

After the bachelorette party, I was deep in my head. That first year of motherhood is a doozy. (Well, so far, every year has been a doozy, but that first year rocks your world in a way that is hard to describe.) I think I can count on one hand the number of times I saw that friend in the first year of her daughter’s life. After preaching the importance of connection for so long, this realization made me stop in my tracks and reassess the way I’ve been spending my time.

A few weeks ago, I picked her up on a Sunday afternoon. We grabbed a coffee, walked down to the water, sat on a bench, and chatted. It was so freeing to sit outside with a friend without having to chase a toddler or get grass out of a baby’s mouth. I had initiated the time together because I wanted to be there for her, but my goodness, I realized quickly how much I needed it, too. Being in mom mode 24/7 is exhausting. Having an hour to ourselves to talk about what we’re going through that may not make the Instagram grid was a relief.

The next weekend, we went to a shopping plaza. We got some coffees and bought diapers at Target. She kept me company while I got my eyebrows waxed and tinted at Ulta. I went with her to search Home Goods for hazelnut syrup for her home coffee bar. We both ooh’d and ahh’d at the cute clothes at Carter’s, and maybe I spent money I didn’t need to spend on matching pajamas for my girls. (Oops.) It was so nice to have that relaxed connection time while crossing things off our to-do lists. I don’t get that very often these days! Errands are usually rushed or skipped entirely, if I’m being honest. A leisurely stroll around a shopping plaza? Laughing about the absurdities of baby and toddler parenthood with someone else who is deep in the trenches, too? Uh, okay. Sign me up.

What inspired me to do this was the desire to help create a stronger village for her, but in doing this, my own village has also been strengthened.

This weekend, I’m actually taking my oldest on a playdate with her bestie from daycare. For the first time since August 2020, we’re having a bit of a mama/baby playdate, and I’m really excited. I’m also about to pick up my phone to text the friend I mentioned above so we can get another date on the calendar. My community is expanding, both in reach and in depth, and that is bringing me comfort in this whirlwind of a season.

Parents aren’t the only people who need a village, of course. If any of this resonated with you, I encourage you to reach out to a friend to set up some intentional connection time soon. Getting out of the front door can be hard, but humans have a genuine NEED for community. Honor yourself enough to do the hard work of shaking yourself out of a routine that may not be serving you anymore, and take care: both of yourself and of your people.

An Introduction

Hi, I’m Haley. The optimist in me tells me that I’m coming out of the hardest year of my life. The pessimist adds “so far” to the end of that sentence.

Last September, after a complicated-turned-dangerous pregnancy, I welcomed my twins into the world. My family of three turned into a family of five and I nearly lost my life in the process. I have…so, so much to say about this experience, but now isn’t the time. (Stay tuned for that!)

The last year has brought me so much. The word ✨abundance✨ comes to mind. So does the word stress. The first year of a person’s life is a wild thing to experience. This wildness is amplified by the fact that in one moment, I tripled the amount of children I have! Three kids. Holy moly. The twins are almost one and I still think, “Oh my gosh, there’s three of them,” just about every single day. We’ve witnessed a lot of milestones in this last year! We’ve also spent an inordinate amount of time in the hospital and at the pediatrician’s office. By the time the babies were about three months old, they had spent 30% of their lives in the hospital. Those first months of twin motherhood made me feel so deeply connected to my children and so disconnected from my own self. From what I hear from other moms in my circle, that’s not particularly uncommon.

I’ve always considered myself a writer. I’ve journaled on and off throughout my life. I also consider myself a verbal processor. The act of writing out my thoughts or speaking things out loud helps me to identify how I’m feeling. Being able to put words to an experience or an emotion is helpful for me, so here we are. As is tradition, I know I may look back on this one day and cringe, but I also know I’ll look at this version of myself with more compassion. That’s one of my favorite things about writing. It helps us to grow and heal in the moment, and gives us a chance to reflect in the future.

Deep Roots | Full Bloom is centered on growth. Personal, professional, parental, you name it. I plan to use this space to write out my thoughts on my parenthood and motherhood journey. It will be a way for me to share my expertise in Learning & Development and grow as a leader and a thinker. We’ll laugh, we’ll cry, we’ll daydream, we’ll lament. I’m also here to foster a stronger sense of community. This is starting as a way for me to connect deeply with myself, but if you’re here, maybe our roots can intertwine, too. I look forward to it. 🌱

Haley