Functioning Through the Fog

My mind is a whirlwind these days. Even “scatterbrained” feels too polite for the chaos in my head, much like calling my house “a bit cluttered” when it looks more like the aftermath of a tornado. I can’t pinpoint when it started, but I do know that it amplified when my twins were hospitalized with RSV back in December, and it amplified again when I returned to work after maternity leave at the end of January. (One of these days, I will write about my birth experience with the twins and their scary hospitalization, but today is not that day.) The sheer amount of STUFF in my head and on my mind has brought my decision fatigue to an all-time high. When you add a detail-oriented career to the standard postpartum brain fog, sheesh. I feel like I’ve been slowly losing my mind.

I learned recently that pregnancy causes a loss of gray matter in the brain, with the most loss happening in the frontal and temporal lobes. These changes are believed to prepare the birthing parent to be more responsive to their babies. My readings assured me that this loss isn’t anything to worry about, even though the effects can last a few years after delivery. It’s like finding a missing piece to the puzzle of why my brain feels like it’s running on low battery. It’s fascinating and just adds to my belief that having kids is the most immersive science project one can perform.

Learning this has been validating. I have laughed about “mom brain” with my friends, family, and colleagues, and even though it can bring silly moments, it’s genuinely frustrating. I notice it happening at home, but it’s louder and more embarrassing for me at work.

I’ve been at my company for nearly 10 years and have spent that time learning as much as I can about my field, dedicating myself to consistent growth, and making a commitment to developing others. Regardless of the role I’ve held, those three remain the same. Learn. Grow. Develop. It’s no surprise to me that I’ve found my home in Learning and Development, nor that I was so excited to go back to work after having I and O. I’ve been back to work for six months now, and to put it in the simplest of terms: I just feel different.

My passions are still prevalent. I am still ambitious, and my love for developing others keeps me stretching toward formal leadership. I still want to learn, grow, and develop. I just…also added two people to my household and keep unlocking new parenting levels with all three of my children. My identity at work, once steady and sure, is now evolving to accommodate the ever-growing demands of motherhood. I’m still trying to juggle everything I did before, but now I’m doing it with a baby in each arm. (And I’m finding that juggling is pretty hard with no available arms, you know what I mean?) Uncharted territory is fun, sure, but it’s also a bit unsettling.

Mom brain. Brain fog. Scatterbrained. Losing my mind. Uncharted. Unsettled. But also:

We’ll be out of formula in about 4 days, so I need to get that order in. Or wait, maybe it’s finally back in stock. Nope, still sold out, we’ll have to buy online. We really need to get R in to see a dentist soon. I should make an appointment to get that bloodwork done. We have about half a box of diapers left, but the babies have a box at daycare, and they’ll be there the next three days, so I don’t need to make a special order. I can just add a box to our upcoming grocery cart. R is loving soup right now, maybe I’ll make two different soups this week. The babies could eat some of the softer veggies in that, too, and they have been loving carrots. I wonder if they will like celery. Ooh, we need some more purees. Not the mango, though, that didn’t agree with them. Baby boy likes the chicken ones, baby girl likes the fruit oatmeal ones. Do you think we should increase the amount we’re giving them in their bottles? They always seem to want a bit more these days. Do we have swimsuits in the kids’ bags for daycare? Water day is coming up. Be sure to sign the bug spray and sunblock form so their teachers can apply it during the day. Do they get shots at this pediatrician appointment? I wonder when we will be able to afford sending the babies in for one more day during the week, that will make such a big difference. R will be in kindergarten next year, maybe then…where are we sending her to kindergarten? I should start looking into that…

I could go on and on and on.

So yeah, maybe my “peak performance” looks a bit different these days than it has in the past. If I’m only judging myself on my past markers of success, it is really easy to feel like I’ve lost more than just a little bit of gray matter. What I’ve gained, however, is the ability to keep track of the wants and needs of my family, and that, I realize, is its own form of mastery.

My brain, foggy it may be, has adapted to juggle the myriad of tasks and decisions that come with being a mom of three and a dedicated professional. It’s a different kind of expertise, one that blends empathy, multitasking, and the relentless pursuit of balance. I am not just learning and developing at work; I am also learning and developing at home. The scatterbrained moments, the fog, the exhaustion—these are signs of growth and change. They are reminders that I am doing the hard, beautiful work of raising a family while staying true to my professional passions. Maybe they are also reminders to slow down and focus on one thing at a time so I can be more present in each moment.

Navigating this uncharted territory is difficult for a planner (read: control freak) like me. I am trying my hardest to remind myself to embrace the chaos and trust in my resilience, because damn if this year hasn’t shown me that I can handle some of the hardest things. Amidst the brain fog and the endless to-do lists, I am cultivating something extraordinary—both in my career and in my home. That, I believe, is the true essence of blooming where I am planted.

If you’ve read this far, will you do me one more favor? Every now and then, could you remind me and the other parents you know that they are doing hard, miraculous, worthwhile things? I promise, I’ll do the same for you.